Tuesday, September 13, 2011

because I asked the Lord for him

She named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the LORD for him.”  - 1 Samuel 1:20





Today, in the midst of the squabbles and messes and incessant whining, I stole away to find a moment alone.  As soon as that moment was found, I instantly dropped to my knees and let the tears flow.   But, despite what you may be thinking, these weren't the usual tears of a frustrated mom at the end of her rope.  These were the tears of a mother who was suddenly and unexpectedly overcome with gratitude and completely humbled by the faithfulness and love of her God.  They were the tears of a mother who had been given a miracle 6 years ago today.  Today, I found myself on my face before the Lord - because that's the only place to go to praise Him for lifting the head of this face-to-the ground woman from 7 years ago.  

They call it "secondary infertility".  And while I KNOW that it can't be as heart wrenching as complete infertility, it was by far the most difficult 2 years of my life.  I know that sounds dramatic and it doesn't really even make sense to me now, but all I can say is that when a mother's arms ache for another child and that child does not come, it can shake her to the very core.  

We saw the "experts".  They told us that it was a miracle we even had one child.  I suffered from polycystic ovarian syndrome.  That combined with other issues caused the "experts" to advise us that without intervention it was highly unlikely that we would ever conceive another child.  I was devastated.  Yet, I walked out of our appointment with the experts with an inexplicable peace that fertility treatments would not be the route for us and with a quiet voice whispering in my head that they weren't really the experts.  Duane and I didn't even have to hash it out.  We agreed that it was a fine option, just not for us.  My uber practical self said that if I was going to spend $10,000, it would be toward adoption expenses.  And if I'm being honest, I knew that I could never handle the ups and downs and disappointments of fertility treatment with it's less than favorable odds.  So I contacted every adoption agency under the sun and poured over each package that came in the mail. I prayed and read and googled and I never could feel led down a specific adoption path.  In the meantime, I finally found myself in a place where I could honestly say to God, "If carrying another child is not what you grant me, then you must have something so much better in mind for me.  And I want what YOU want more than I want what I want."  Of course I still hoped that God's answer was wait, rather than no.  So many prayers were lifted up on our behalf.  So many gathered around us and covered us with their loving hands and prayed that we would be blessed with another child.  

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. 
- Isaiah 58

6 years ago today God placed in my life a daily reminder of His faithfulness.  A daily reminder of His sovereignty.  A daily reminder of His perfect time.  And yes, a daily reminder of His sense of humor.  There have been days that I needed to be able to remind myself that I laid on my face and prayed for this child :).  

2 years later we welcomed Sophia to the family.  So much for the experts.  And through it all, God turned our hearts toward adoption - enter Selah.  

Today, I am thanking Him for this spunky, funny, mischievous, handsome, bright, stubborn, explosive, hard working, tight hugging little boy. Today, I am thanking Him for this precious face.  


And there's really no better place for me to do that than on mine.  

Happy Birthday Micah Samuel Dixon!

2 comments:

annlovesGod said...

I just can't read anything you write without crying! Thank you for a living a life dedicated to the Lord and waiting on his perfect timing!!

Jess said...

Jenny,
I all emotional just reading your blog. I am a sentimental guppy-to warn you- :} I am sitting here thinking Lord, you have given me a heart friend. Someone who will understand my heart and share in the things that burn within me. That is such a gift. When I read your blog it strums the chords of my heart. I am so thankful that the Lord has crossed our paths Jenny Dixon. :}